Boys Will Be....

When I was pregnant with William and we found out he was a he, my first thought was "What are we going to do with a boy?"  We were a house of powder pink and naked Barbies; we knew girls and girl things.  We knew tears and drama and tantrums and playing dress-up. I was not sure I would be up enough on boy stuff for my boy to be a happy boy and me to be a good boy mom.  But then I held him for the first time and looked into his little crossed eyes and knew we were going to be okay.  

Now fast forward eleven years and join me in the shock that my boy is smack-dab in the middle of puberty.  Yes, the boy who hit every developmental milestone late and sometimes barely, is now leading the charge into pubescence, hormones and attitude.  His voice is changing and cracking.  He is smelly and messy and doesn't care. He is brimming with testosterone so palpable you can see it coming off of him like heat waves.  Testosteroni we call it.  It makes him angry, it makes him do stupid things and again I find myself thinking "what am I going to do with a boy?"

I realize that puberty is a phase and he will test things out and we will get through it, but I also work in a high school. I work with boys who are past puberty and who walk around practically vibrating because they are chock full of testosteroni and unsure what to do with it.  I have had kids slam doors and explode at me because they can't come in at lunch time.  There are boys who say inappropriate and horrible things at the same time their eyes are looking like a scared little boy and I am wondering, why are these boys so angry and making such poor choices?

My coworker and husband reminded me that boys used to fight.  They used to fight at school, when they were out, or when they were in sports.  They would fight just to fight and then be friends again right after.  A fight today means detention, suspension or worse depending on your history.  I am not saying that we should set up team fighting like we do football or soccer, but maybe boys weren't so angry when they had an outlet for all that testosteroni.

or were forced to dress like little men and have a job.

Sports aren't always an option for these boys.  They aren't for my boy.  We jokingly say that his eyes are just for show, but there is a lot of truth in that.  He has horrible vision and no depth perception.  Try to catch a ball with those eyes, or shoot a basket while moving, or judge where the goal is.  It's hard stuff.  Sports are also expensive and a huge time suck for parents, so again not always an option and we are left with this generation of angry, young men.

I have tried and failed at home and at work with how I have handled this anger.  Being angry back definitely does not work, so take that right off the list.  They have more anger and carry it on longer and it is exhausting.  My boy can hold a grudge indefinitely.  Taking it personally or being emotional about their angry outbursts also doesn't work.  They might be angry, but nine out of ten of them are actually good kids and your being upset makes them angry for making you sad and you've just set the whole thing in motion again because somewhere in their little dark boy brains they are now mad at you, again, for making them feel bad.  It has been hard with my boy to not be emotional because it is hard to have the kid who always picked you first, wanted you to help, loved you so completely to be mean, to be dismissive and rude and hurtful.  Ouch!!

Sometime, I would like to scoop them all up and set them on a little island Lord of the Flies style.  Looks of disdain and outright hate make me keep a running list in my head as to who would end up being Piggy first.  However, as I am the parent and adult, I have had to come up with better ways to deal with this. I have found that being interested in what the boy is doing seems to take the anger down a notch.  Can I admit to not being interested in it at all but feigning it so well I should win an Oscar?  If I never hear about Pokemon again it will be too soon.  I have no idea what I am doing when I play Xbox with him, but if I sit there and push buttons for twenty minutes, he is happy.  A little validation seems to go a long way.  The other thing that works well is humor because right under all the anger is a layer of hilarity.  They want to laugh and joke and use their words to show you how smart they are by wrapping everything up in a thin layer of sarcasm.  This I do not have to fake at all because I am apparently a 14 year old boy at heart.  (this also explains my taste in movies.)  

It is definitely easier for me with my girls and girls at school because I was a girl. I know how they were feeling and what they are thinking and why they do what they do.  I get it.   I think with my boy and these other boys it comes down to not getting it at all but not trying to fix it or judge it either.  It is just about trying to be patient, trying to not be offended and in the boy's case, trying to trying to not breathe through my nose when he comes in from playing outside. It is also about showing him that I am listening, that I am here if he wants to talk or laugh or play stupid Madden 11.  Validating and being available, that is what it might come down to.

Currently, on this non-ice-ice-day, my boy is rewatching the same epidsoe of Brain Games so he can yell out the answer earlier each time he watches it.  I don't get it, but he is happy and I can do what I want so I am happy too.  I am still not always sure what I am going to do with him, but I guess as long as I love him, we'll figure it out.