Silly Names, Serious Stuff

Having recently had my yearly mammogram, you’ll have to forgive me for having breasts on the mind lately.  And you know if it is on my mind, it will eventually become my words.  Breasts- there are an insane amount of words used to call breasts by other names: boobs, bosoms, ta-tas, knockers, melons, cans, jugs, honkers, fun bags and gazongas just to name a few.  (Shout out to Urban Dictionary for providing me with a cheap giggle this morning).  It made me think that if we can come up with all these silly and fun names to call this amazing part of our bodies, we should be able to talk about mammograms in the same, silly, offbeat way.  I have had two aunts with breast cancer, a cousin who is currently battling it as well as my mother-in-law and sister-in-law.  I am also at an age where friends and friends of friends are being diagnosed with breast cancer and I think it is important to talk about it and to talk about getting screened for it.  But I don’t think it has to be done in a clinical way or a whispering kind of way and I thought the best way was to share my own mammogram experience so that maybe those of you who have not gone, or those of you who need a push to go, will go.

Because of my family history, I have been sent for mammograms starting at age 35 so while they are not common place, they are at least familiar.  In the past two years after going for a regular mammogram, I have been send a note in the mail/Pony Express informing me that I had a suspicious spot in my dense breast tissue.  This required removing the pit from my stomach and going for a 3D mammogram where they can better see that suspicious area.  This also resulted in a solid week of unchecked worry.  In order to allay my ferocious anxiety I started picturing my breast dense tissue sitting in front of a chalkboard unable to add 2+2 and my suspicious area dressed like Spy vs. Spy and acting shifty.  It helped and I was fortunate that in both cases, the 3D mammogram showed all was normal.

This year I begged my doctor to just send me for the 3D mammogram to start and she agreed.  I think the absolute worst part of a mammogram is that you are not allowed to wear deodorant and of course you are sweating because you are nervous and no matter what, you stink a little.  And you are now super close up with a strange woman who is manhandling your breasts, but you are really more concerned that you stink. I try to double down on the breath mints to make it up to her.  I will tell you right now that no matter how you step up to the machine, you step wrong and there is a lot of adjusting.  Your breast is grabbed, mauled, stretched, and in some cases, heaved onto the plate.  There is then a lot of smoothing of your surrounding skin.  And by surrounding, I mean your neck, your stomach and your free breast. I am always curious to look down and see just exactly how flat my breast is, but there is no way I am going to risk moving and get into all that readjusting.  This nice stranger then presses a pedal with her foot which starts the top plate to come down and squish your breast.  She admonishes you not to move and you don’t.  The squishing doesn’t really hurt but it is not a good sensation either.  When the plate has moved as far as it can with the pedal, she then HAND CRANKS it down another two or three notches.  

Where is 11 - punch person in face hurt?

This is where you want to punch her in the face, but again, you don’t dare risk moving.  She hurries to a safe area to scan you and tells you when to breathe, when to not breathe and all you can think about is how very much you want to breathe.  Kind of like when you are at the dentist and you feel like you have to swallow the entire time just because you can’t.  You repeat this on the other side and think that you are done.  You are not.  You now have to lift your arm and kind of half-hug the machine to get a different view and you lift your arm as told and smell your stink and therefore have to stare slightly up and into the distance as if bored.  Your aloof nature lasts only until the next round of hand cranking.  Two more times holding your breath, thinking you will pass out, gulping air and then you are done.  That’s it.  Four severe breast squishings and it is over.  You are allowed to put on your clothes and stop avoiding eye contact with your breast stranger.

Because I had the 3D mammogram, I was told within seven minutes that I was clear and good to go until next year.  Why are we not offering 3D mammograms for everyone?  Why are we making women go for the old, inconclusive scans which force them to go through the whole thing again?  I hate that everything comes down to a bunch of people in suits deciding the most cost effective way to maintain health.  They are focused on money, not health and we are being slightly tortured in the process.  I think it is ridiculous I had to demand a PAP smear this year because the guidelines are every five years now.  I am not bold enough to describe the PAP smear process, but just trust me when I say this is nothing I want to do, much less demand happen. 

Driving home after my mammogram, I felt such relief knowing that I was clear to not really think about my breasts for another year.  Well, other than the normal ruminating if they were indeed always this low and really, how much lower will they get?  I can’t put a price on that peace of mind but I am sure my insurance company can.  So ladies, if you haven’t been for one and you are forty or over, go.  If you are due for one, make your appointment.  If you have had to go back because the old diagnostic system gave you a false reading, ask for a digital one instead.  These are your breasts, you get to call them any funny name you want, but they are part of your body and you get to decide their care.  Pick a silly name for them, mock the way they screen them, but please, be smart about how you take care of them.