I should really be studying for the test I have on Monday or
prepping for my classes that start in two weeks and yet here I am, staring at a
screen and doing neither. I have spent
most of this week trapped in a fugue state of denial that summer is over and a
whirlwind of last-minute things I meant to get done the past three months. I have also spent a great deal of time
procrastinating: yes! We absolutely need chocolate cake and fresh whipped cream
to top it right now, and yes! That laundry room really needs to be organized
before I do one more thing. Oh and the
boy’s closet and if his, why not SG’s as well.
This has been a completely bipolar week of frenzied activity and
listless, lethargic TV watching. This morning I woke up way too early with a
heart full of Buffalo that I feel I have to share before I can get down to all
the things I really need to do. Some may
say I am procrastinating yet again, I say I am simply sharing a heart full of
love for a place and people I miss.
I was surprised to feel so physically homesick because I was
just in Buffalo two weeks ago. I’m not
sure if I was dreaming about it, but I woke up with an actual emptiness in my
heart and words swirling in my brain.
Normally I would attribute it to the omnipresent heat of August, but it
was hot in Buffalo this trip too. No
shivering in a sweatshirt while the locals wore their shorts and tanks this
time. Maybe it was because I traveled
home alone and got to really spend time connecting with all of my people there
without worrying if the people I brought with me were having fun too. I did a lot of visiting. I visited more in
six days than I have in six years.
Visits over coffee, pizza, beer, pastries – always some kind of food. Visits on decks and patios because even
though it was hot, you go outside when the sun shines because you know you have
winter months of being cooped up indoors.
Scheduled visits and pop up visits and so much talking. Yes, I was in my element.
I was overwhelmed at my aunt’s house first because everyone
asked to see my kids and I had to keep saying it was “just me, just me”, then
because so many people were calling me “Becki” and after a while I kind of
wanted to throw up in my mouth about it, and next because of the sheer volume
of people. Out of the twelve, eleven of
the Lazarus siblings were there and with them an assortment of their kids and
grandkids, but it no way all of us as this was an unofficial reunion, not an official
one. I was so happy to see aunts and
uncles and cousins that I had not seen in a long time and to meet new fiancées and
babies and see that they were happy to see me as well and I remembered this is
family. This is a big, crazy, loud,
talking family. Oh the words! The words were tumbling, spilling, carrying
over, non-stop and punctuated with laughter, with unshed tears for the sister
and husband who weren’t able to make it and with unrestrained joy. It was amazing, and slightly overwhelming, to
be a part of this.
The next day, my sister took a cousin, her husband and me
downtown to see what they have done with the waterfront. Holy cow Buffalo!! Well done!
I remember you would just go to the waterfront and there was the road
and there was water and it was dirty and gross.
Now there are restaurants and bridges and concerts and SUP yoga. Good for you yoga posers doing your poses on your
paddle boards. We saluted them as we had
our first drink of the day and I was so amazed by the transformation I was
seeing that I did not even complain when my mule was not served in a copper mug. We drove around to see other destinations and
as we did I was so proud of this city!
Buffalo had quite a heyday back in the Canal Era and the old, historic
buildings are architectural wonders and the renovations happening alongside
them are inspiring. I just felt so proud
to be part of this even though I am not part of this but I used to live here so
I can still be proud, right?
My last day in Buffalo was a day with just my mom and we talked
and talked and talked. We went to
breakfast and I ate chicken souvlaki at 9 in the morning because I could and it
was as good as I remembered. We spent
the morning at Niagara Falls, Canadian side of course, and the Falls too, were
as good as I remembered. Actually, they
were even more amazing. They roared and
misted and hissed and tumbled and their roar drowned out our words and I found that
for once, and for only a short time, I didn’t even need words.
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| Roar, hiss, tumble. |
After I posted a picture of mom and me at the Falls, one of
my friends commented on how they never appreciated the Falls when they lived
close to them but how amazing they find it now.
So true. Today I am finding that
those words apply to everything Buffalo and not just the natural wonders. I never appreciated being part of such a
large and loud family, but now when holidays are sometimes just the four of us,
I sure miss it. I never appreciated the
food I was surrounded with until I find myself gorging on pizza, on pastries,
on wings that are never as good as they are here. Tim Horton’s was not a big thing when I lived
in Buffalo, but I have to have it all the time despite it being volcanically
hot and leaving me with rancid breath.
Got to have it. I didn’t
appreciate the history of the city I lived near, just deplored its
decline. I think what I didn’t take time
to appreciate the most is the people. I
didn’t appreciate how nice it is to have all of that family around and invested
in you and your life and expecting the same from you. I didn’t appreciate the generations of people
who lived there so that yes, you did always run into someone you knew or kind
of knew in the grocery store. I didn’t
appreciate the friendships I made when I was a kid and took for granted but
carried through high school and even a few until today. I was 19 when I left, so you know I didn’t appreciate
my parents.
I guess my heart full of sad this morning is because I
appreciate all of those things so very much right now. I appreciate that beautiful city; I appreciate
the friends, the acquaintances, the fact that the creek in town has a
lighthouse, the pizzeria on every corner and those tasty pastry hearts. Mostly though, I appreciate the people: the
diehard Bills fans, the people who hate their neighbor but shovel them out in
the winter because they know they should, the people who insist on talking to
me at the grocery store or the waitress who speaks so candidly I have to ask my
mother if she knows her. I also really, especially, appreciate my parents. My wonderful, loving, giving, do-gooder,
slightly flawed and beautiful parents.
Or maybe I am sad because it is hard to spend twenty plus years trying
to get to Buffalo for vacation and the want to be there is sometimes superseded
by a want to see mountains or a beach or the home of your favorite childhood
author. When the kids were little I
wanted to move back to Buffalo so badly.
I know we will never move back and that is okay because I like the life
we have here and I like the people I have here. However, I guess no matter how long I am away; there will just be days when I
miss all the things I never took the time to appreciate.
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| I am right now appreciating my dad's bad perm |
