Tick Tock

Time is a hard concept to teach.  I have recently been made aware that my kids cannot do elapsed time.  They can be staring at a clock (digital) and I will say we are leaving in 45 minutes and they will still ask what time that will be. The boy brought home a sheet of homework with clocks and word problems about elapsed time with the notation "struggling" at the top of it.  We worked on it together and we were both struggling to tell elapsed time at the end.  He worked the problems out with a T chart and I was trying to show him to just move the hands of the clock.  I don't know what the hell he was doing with that chart and he didn't know what the hell I was doing with the hands.  Let's hope he can program his phone in a few years to tell him when to be somewhere.

I am not sure older kids grasp time either.  Tell one that they are six weeks away from graduating and being done with high school forever and they moan and tell you it is "Such a looooooong time!”  In the same breath, they will tell you a paper is due tomorrow, they haven't started it yet, but they still have plenty of time.   I also know that they can't tell time because they ask me every day, every period, what time the period ends.  They have no idea, they just stand up like Pavlovian dogs when they hear the bell and shuffle out.  I myself have felt like every day in April lasted ten days yet I am surprised to see tomorrow is the last day of April.

I have this book called "Q&A a Day: 365 Questions, 5 Years and 1,825 Answers".  Every day for five years, you answer the same question on the same day and then see if your answer changes from year to year. Sometimes they do, like the days they ask you what three foods you ate that day.  (Three?!?!?)  Some days they don't.  For example, on January 31st it asks "Who do you want to be?"  I am proud to say I have answered "me!" all three years.  Sometimes the questions are so dumb that I just draw an X through it year after year.  "If you were a dance, describe it".  Please, I am committed to this thing, but I am not going to patronize it either.  Lately as I have been writing in my 2014 answers, I am surprised how much has changed since 2012, or even 2013.  This makes me think that perhaps elapsed time is a harder concept to grasp than I thought.  I think about what I was going through and what I wrote as answers and think that time was not on my side for a portion of it.  Read my sad sack posts from last year and you will know.  It was timing, it wasn't the right time, I had too much time on my hands, or not enough time with Bill because he was traveling.  The kids were growing up too fast while at the same time they were stuck in the same phase for too long.  Too much time, lack of time, time that drags, time that sped by.  Time: elusive and hard as hell to pin down.

Even adages and proverbs and sayings can't agree on time.  Does it "move by so slowly" or does it "go by so fast"?  "Time is money" or is "the best way to fill time is to waste it"?  Lately I am struggling with telling someone who is hurting that "it will get better with time".  How can I use time as comfort when it has no real measure?  I can't say if that time will be ten days or a month or three years.  Why would I think that saying "give it time" would give someone who is struggling to get up, to go to sleep, to keep going on about their day any measure of peace?  I know that it is true, but I know that if the situation was reversed and I was the one hurting, that would not bring me comfort.  I would know the other person was right and I would swallow their well-meaning words, but it would be a placebo and not the medicine my wounded heart or ego needed.

Think of that first year of a baby's life.  That child goes from teeny tiny screaming meatloaf of a human with a cat-in-the-hat shaped head who does little but cry and poop and sleep to a standing, maybe walking, talking, smiling and laughing human who still cries and poops and sleeps.  365 days of amazing.  Now think of a child between 9 and 10.  They grow.  They expand their learning.  But they don't transform before your eyes like that first year and yet there are still 365 days in that year, exactly the same amount of time.  Time is eternal when we are waiting or hurting or in limbo and time is gone in the blink of an eye when we are harried or happy or challenged.  I think that perhaps the boy is right with his struggle with elapsed time. It isn't as cut and dry as I thought.  I think I will send his homework back with a quick notation to his teacher.  Underneath where she wrote "Struggling", I am going to write "Me too!”

Coming Clean

I have a problem.  No, it is not drinking.  I know you are thinking it based on the nights I may or may not drink the entire bottle of wine and then find myself incredibly funny.  Or the times I go out with friends from work and come home with crazy eyes.  But really, it is not drinking. Nor is it swearing. I have that bad boy under control!  It is reasonable to think it could be Starbucks, but that I can miss for a few days and still function.  Kettlebell you ask?  Kettlebell is not an addiction, it is a lifestyle!  Don’t be silly.

My problem is oat bars.  I am addicted to oat bars. I cannot eat enough oat bars.  I eat them for breakfast and I eat them after dinner.  Almost every day.  Usually I make a double batch and it will last through the week but lately the family has found my oat bars.  And they have been eating them!  Which leads me to say things like “Don’t eat the oat bars!” or “WHO ate the last oat bar?!?!” and maybe once I said “Eat that last oat bar and I will cut you.”

Bill posts vegan recipes he thinks look good all the time and I usually peruse them and say no.  He was very certain that I should make the oat bar one so I did.  The first batch was meh, but the second time when I added chocolate chips?  Well, an oat bar star was born! I am not a fan of most vegan sweets (for a full rant, read here); however, these oat bars are magic. 

Magic.

It started small, as problems like this tend to do. I would eat one before my 5:30am kettlebell and found it was just enough to get me through the workout without tasting it the entire time.  Then I found myself eating them for breakfast when I wasn’t working out. Next, I was breaking off a small piece to eat while cooking dinner or another small piece to eat while cleaning up dinner.  Finally, I have given up any pretense of small piece and plunk a large square of them on a plate every night.  The only thing that saves me from packing them and eating them at lunch is that they taste better when they are kept in the refrigerator.  They tend to break apart while traveling.   

What is in there that has me jonesing for them twice a day?  All natural goodness in those things: almond butter, almond milk, oats, maple syrup, cinnamon and coconut oil.  And, of course, chocolate chips.  Could I make them without the chocolate chips?  What? Why?  That would be like drinking decaf coffee or O’Doul’s: pointless.

I ignored Bill when he said I had an oat bar problem.  I dismissed the kids when they accused me of hiding oat bars so they couldn’t eat them.  (Might be true).  But now that I am taking an entire blog to tell you about oat bars, I see the truth.  I do have a high need for oat bars, but is it really a problem?  I am eating all natural good for me food twice a day.  These things are so all natural I will find oat in my teeth hours later.  Neighhhhhhhhhh.  I have not gained weight despite the copious amounts of chocolate chips I stir into them. I have even tried adding walnuts and hemp seed to increase the Omega-3 factor.  No, this is not a problem!  This is high nutrition!  I guess my reluctance to share could be the problem.  However, I shared my body with those kids; I think I am still ahead as far as giving. 

I think that everyone should mix up a batch and tell me what you think.  Here is the recipe: 

Oat Bars

1 cup almond butter

4 tbsps melted coconut oil

5 tbsps maple syrup

4 tbsps almond milk

1 tsp cinnamon

1 tsp vanilla (only pure vanilla, no imitation vanilla)

½ tsp salt

3 cups of oats

Copious amount of chocolate chips (I prefer the dark chocolate chips)

Whisk together all of the ingredients except the oats.  Then stir in oats and POUR in chocolate chips.  Put into large rectangular pan and refrigerate.  Eat twice a day until someone mentions that you may have an oat bar problem.  Continue to make and eat oat bars, but be sure to section off some as soon as they are set and hide them in small bags throughout the refrigerator.  I prefer the vegetable crisper for its low detection rate.   

I think that you will find that they are not the sweetest thing, or the most decadent.  They do not make you see better, smell better or get straight A’s.  They do taste good, they fill you up and they are better for you than any cookie you might buy. It is nice that in my mixed household of vegan/vegetarian/carnivore that everyone can eat them.   That is, if I share. 

Prom: Then and Now

Ahhh, prom.  That time when a young girl’s heart dreams up the perfect evening and a young man’s heart dreams of getting through prom and onto the after party.  Such a special time in the life of a teen and if you play your cards right, an adult as well!

Circa 1992

Look at that hair!  It has been curled, swooshed and sprayed to the absolute breaking point.  One can of Aqua Net nobly sacrificed itself to create that hair waterfall.  What is holding it up in back you ask?  It is the early 90’s; you know it HAS to be a banana clip.  Note the lips painted a peach to match the dress.  This may not be as apparent as the 82 layers of carefully applied Wet & Wild peach eye shadow it took to achieve that smoky pumpkin look.  If only the camera had panned down and you could see that the subject’s satin shoes had also been dyed to match.  Such a committed effort at being  monochromatic.  Take a moment to look at the subject’s hands and her stab at civility.  Yes, those are short, white gloves normally only seen on butlers and Mickey Mouse.  Our subject thought they complimented her pearl accessories and gave her just that right touch of class. 

Speaking of class, where is our subject off to prior to prom?  A garter party!  What, you ask?  (Recent Facebook research indicates that these parties are indigenous toBuffalo NY and may have only taken place in the early 90’s)  Here our subject will sit on a chair surrounded by her friends and their dates and an odd assortment of parents while her date reaches up under her dress and removes the garter she had especially made for this occasion.  It is respect he shows as he fumbles under her dress, over her nylon encased knee and removes that strip of peach satin and lace.  Said garter will then be worn on the outside of his tux jacket and later hung from a rearview mirror alongside the pine tree air freshener.  Surprisingly enough, this garter ritual in no way leads to later pregnancies and births in nine months.

While at prom, our subject and her date will dance to songs like “Whoomp! There It Is!” and “Rumpshaker”.  Forgive them if they look awkward; they are too young to drink and dances like “The Shopping Cart” and “The Lawn Mower” have not been invented.  Fall in love again all over as they dance to Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You”.  Yes, it is a song about love failed but they are young and optimistic and her wailing gives them a long time to dance together.  What?!  Lights on and “Last Dance” playing already?  Too soon this magical evening has ended and our young subject must return home by midnight or turn into a grounded, surly teenager.

Circa now.

Being as lucky as she can be, here is our subject some years later getting to enjoy prom all over again!  She has aged well despite tanning with baby oil in her teens.  Why is she going to prom now?  Creepy, you may be thinking.  No, not creeper – chaperone!  Our subject is looking forward to chaperoning.  She thinks it will be fun to watch well-behaved, beautifully dressed teenagers enjoy prom for themselves.  Yes, this is her first time chaperoning!  How did you know?

Look at the wise choice our subject made for her dress!  No peach and lace this time.  This time it is a simple, black dress suitable for her role as wise adult.  No cleavage is shown and the black says "let me blend into the background."  Modesty, decorum, class.  Wait a minute!  That black might lend itself to funereal but that ruching screams "LOOK AT ME" and  "I work out!"  Oh, vanity.  And are those heels, actual heels, she is wearing?  Did she forget about the toe that forces her into comfortable/orthopedic shoes for daily wear?

She has learned some things from her last prom go around.  You will notice the absence of gloves and peach anything.  She is also not wearing a garter.  The only thing under her dress that is new is Shapewear.  What is that, you ask?  Shapewear is both magical and evil.  Magical as it takes any imperfection, let's say fat, from your midsection and deposits it elsewhere on the body, like under your collar bone or on top of one thigh.  Evil in that it is more constricting than any pair of nylons or Western jeans you have ever forced your body into.  Whew! she was heard to exclaim both getting that thing on and off.  

I am proud of our test subject.  She has learned that her thin, forty pieces of hair should be styled straight down and not pushed and prodded into skyscraper heights.  And that red lipstick?  She believes that the name on the bottom of the tube is "Hooker Red", but she wears it well so judge not.  

At prom, our subject made light chit chat and exchanged laughter and eyebrow raises with her colleagues.  She enjoyed seeing her favorites and others dressed up and playing nicely.  She could not see what was happening on the dance floor as it was a mob of bodies pressed into each other and moving rhythmically.  She was told this is grinding.  No, she did not enter the fray.  She did find it very hard to not dance over on the adult side though.  Once or twice her body may have been moving to the music despite her best attempts to stop it.  Luckily for her, she was mommed up and asked to hold various items for people.  This made her feel both loved and old and quelled the dancing in her feet.  

Where was her date, you ask?  Sidelined at home with a sick kid.  No, she is not mad, she cropped him out of the picture because he had on shorts with his suit jacket as he waited for his jeans to dry.  Pictures of that will be sold for $9.99 and supplies are limited, so order soon!

Ahhh, prom: definitely more fun as an adult even if the subject did not get to dance.  Who needs to dance at prom when you are lucky enough to  have impromptu dancing to A-ha's "Take On Me" on a Sunday morning with the love of your life? (yep, still hard to dance to.)