Carol of the Girls

I have not been feeling very Christmassy or in the season or even interested much in Christmas this year.  I have not been running around crazy trying to prepare for it, I know it will all get done, so seasonal frenzy is not the cause of my indifference.  It happens sometimes, but this is usually my favorite time of the year.  Actually, now that I think about it, I didn't feel much like Thanksgiving this year either.  I think the problem might be that I miss my family, or more specifically, holiday memories of my family.

Holidays growing up were filled with aunts and uncles and cousins in too small houses that grew too warm and loud as the night went on.  It was unlimited cookies and waiting desperately for that one last family to get there so you could open your present.  It was badgering Grampa slowly and steadily until he gave in and would put "Snoopy and the Red Baron" on the record player.  (record player, I am that old).  It was too much to eat, too many cookies to choose from, too many dishes to help wash and always too loud.  Holidays were full.

Holidays here are sometimes just the four or five of us.  There is too much food, too many cookies to choose from and because I am here, it is still loud.  However, they don't always feel full.  SG and I took a walk on Thanksgiving night and we passed a house that was packed with people sitting around a dining room table and we both sighed.  I am sure it was not as idyllic inside that house as it appeared from the road, but it sure looked full.

I took the day off recently and did a big portion of our Christmas shopping.  I don't know about you, but I find that there is nothing like Christmas shopping to strip away any Christmas spirit you may have.  Luckily for me I followed it with a lunch out with my best girls.  Lunch was followed by a two dog nap which led me to finally feel that thankfulness I was missing at Thanksgiving.  If thankfulness was three weeks behind I thought I might not find my Christmas spirit until mid-January.  

But then today happened.  Today my thirteen year old woke up happy.  I don't know about your thirteen year old, but mine never wakes up happy.  She wakes up with one eye and some grumbles and crazy lion hair.  She wakes up grouchy and moody and miserable. I cannot wait until she is old enough to drink coffee and I can hand her a steaming cup and know not to talk to her until it is gone.  But today is the last day of school.  Today is parties and cookies and reindeer antlers to school.  As we were leaving for school, I said the only way I would give her a ride is if she sang Christmas carols the whole way with me.  She instantly agreed.  So we sang our hearts out to "All I Want For Christmas" at least three times.  She tried to stop me from car dancing, but once started, there is no stopping.  The look of complete horror on her face only intensified my dance.  We laughed til we cried and we sang loudly, off-key and enthusiastically. My Grinch heart grew hundred times and for the first time this season, I felt joy.  

SG and me.

Now, I am not sure I can retain this joy for the next six days, but the fact that I have some right now is enough.  I will break if off into little pieces and share it with everyone I might see today.  This way, when mine runs out, maybe someone will have some to share back.  

This ten minutes of love and laughter have made me see that I don't need to be full to be happy for the holidays; I just need to be present.  I need to see an opportunity and take it.  I need to get out of my head and go with my heart or follow others even when I don't think I feel like it.  And, no matter what, there absolutely must be more car dancing.