And the Heat Goes On

Do you live south of Ohio?   Has your will to enjoy summer been replaced with hourly thoughts of how much summer sucks?  Does your forecast look like this?

Notice the 10% chance of rain each day? Lies.

Have you opened the door to go outside and then immediately closed it and sat on the couch defeated?  If you answered yes to one or all of these questions, there is a good chance you are suffering from SAD.  This is not the SAD that people get up north when it is gray and snowing and below zero all winter.  This SAD, or Summer Affective Disorder, affects those of us below the Mason-Dixon line.  SAD can affects everyone, old and young alike, with serious consequences so please, read the following warning signs and see if you, or someone you know, might be suffering from SAD.

Adults: have your plans for a well-rounded summer been compromised by the actual length of summer?  Are math workbooks and flashcards gathering dust and you no longer care if your children know their math facts because there are things like calculators they can use instead?  If so, you may be suffering from SAD.  Does the smell of sunscreen make you nauseous?  Or the thought of applying sunscreen to small bodies yet again fill you with unspeakable rage?  Step away from the SPF, take a deep breath and know you are not alone.  When you speak, are you the only one who can hear your voice?  It is because your children are also suffering from SAD and cannot hear anything you say unless it is "Ice Cream!" or "Yes, you can play video games until your eyes fall out."  Do you no longer care if their eyes fall out from watching TV or playing video games?  If yes, you are definitely suffering from SAD.

Kids: has swimming lost its appeal?  Do cannonballs into tepid water no longer bring the joy they once did?  Does the thought of one more outing with your mom and siblings make you want to cry?  If yes, you too are suffering from SAD.  Is your mother mad at you because you stopped listening to anything she had to say back in July?  Can you no longer even pretend to listen?  Do you walk into a room for something she asked you to get, forget what it was and sit down and get involved with something else?  If yes, don't forget to look hurt and maybe even cry a little when she yells at you later.  You are suffering from SAD and she is yelling?  What kind of parent is she?  Work the tears and gain more video time.

SAD sufferers take heart because you are not alone and there is hope for recovery.  Follow these simple steps and see if the symptoms of SAD alleviate:

1.  don't watch the weather until October.  It is going to be 100 every day.  Rain?  No.  Don't count on it and don't believe the 10% chance they put on there.  It is to keep people from killing the weather man.
2.  stop planning "fun" events.  Nothing is fun when the walk to the car gives you heat stroke.  You did fun, you did it well, stop while you are ahead.
3.  Yes, your children are watching too much TV and playing too many video games but you have all the winter months to shoo them outside and make them be kids.  Refuse to feel guilty.
4.  Kids -every now and then break out a board game.  This will make your mom feel like she has done something right and she will reward you with more screen time.
5.  Count the days, or hours, until school starts.  It is close enough now, this will bring you peace.  This goes for kids as well because it will get them away from a crazy mom and siblings.
6.  It is too hot to cook, so don't.  Grill?  Good Lord, no!  Sandwiches, lots and lots of sandwiches.  (If you cut them on the diagonal it looks like you tried.)


SAD is here and it is real, but sufferers, you are not alone!  Take heart in the woman who screams at her children at the grocery store; at least you scream at yours at home.  Look into the eyes of the fatigued parents surrounding you and know you look the same.  Know that you will be found innocent if you happen to kill someone who says "hot enough for ya?" while smiling.  Little by little by little the heat will abate, children will go to school and the oppression of SAD will lift.  You will want to go outside, you will want to engage in the world around you and you may even want to be fun mom again.  May.  Until then, hole up in your air conditioned house and curse. Curse the weatherman, curse the sun and curse the month of August itself.  This will bring you a small amount of peace and give you the will to go forward.  SAD sufferers we shall overcome!!!

Bastard.