Weary

This first year of working at a high school has been a year of learning for me.  I have learned words I hope to never hear again. I have learned that I am a good listener and that kids like to talk to me.  I have learned that I have strong opinions about mandated testing but that I can't share them because I would like to continue my career in education.    I have learned more new things this year than in the past five years combined.

Currently I am learning that May = Weary.  Everyone is weary.  Kids are testing and are weary.  It is beautiful outside and they are weary of being cooped up indoors.  They are weary of their friends, they are weary of their teachers, their parents, themselves.  The kids who are failing are weary of being told they are failing. The adults are weary too.  They are weary of trying, of reaching out, of extending and helping.  They are weary of each other and conversations have gone a little stilted and stale.  They too are weary of being cooped up inside and I think every one of them has a tally of exactly how many hours are left in the school year.  I used to only wear jeans on Friday at the beginning of the year.  I am wearing jeans almost every day and I am not alone.  Last week we had alumni T-shirt day and I picked my alumni Tshirt out of the laundry hamper and wore it.  At the beginning of the year, I would have picked it out and washed it, but I didn't even see if it passed the sniff test.  Weary, and gross.

Her shirt looks clean.

I have also had a hard time leaving my work kids at work.  Their problems stay with me and I want to help, I want to fix it and I want them to be better.  Happier.  Healthier.  Stronger.  Lately their problems have been more than I know what to do with.  These problems have been bigger than my knowledge, bigger than my carefully chosen words and advice can help and definitely bigger than my soft heart can handle.  My emotional weariness has been evident to everyone.  I guess I could not get involved or invested, but what is the point of working with kids if you are not invested or involved with them? 

I thought that I might just creep through the rest of the school year with weariness as my new uniform, but that changed today.  Today I had off.  I needed to use up some personal time and I have made the most of it.  I have had two appointments taken care of, lunch with my handsome husband, cleaned a bathroom, prepped dinner and will bake at some point.  That is a productive day! Being productive didn't change my mind set from weary though, it was something my trainer at appointment one said.  I was explaining how weary I have been feeling and she said "isn't it all about effort?".  Isn't it all about effort?  We have to try, we have to put things in if we expect to get things out.  Life can get us to where we just muddle through, where we stop trying or challenging ourselves and where we endure rather than exceed.  This made me remember that when you make a little effort, it will snowball and grow into bigger efforts.  That things don't get better or easier all at once, but slowly, over time.  

I don't want to endure the next twenty one days of school, I want to live them.  I want my kids to make an effort and live theirs too. I want my school kids to tell me all their terrible things and I want to hug them and tell them yes, life does suck, but it will always, eventually get better.  It has been a long year, but it is not over and I will stop dragging myself around and wearing weary as an accessory.    Wearing weary around is exhausting and I think I can do better.  I will start small, like not wearing shirts out of the hamper and let it grow bigger, like maybe wearing a skirt.  (double effort as that requires shaving).   

I overheard colleagues talking about their own weariness last week and one said "Yes, but that is why we are professionals".  Weary made me forget that. Effort, professional, twenty one more days.  Let's get it done!