Prom: Then and Now

Ahhh, prom.  That time when a young girl’s heart dreams up the perfect evening and a young man’s heart dreams of getting through prom and onto the after party.  Such a special time in the life of a teen and if you play your cards right, an adult as well!

Circa 1992

Look at that hair!  It has been curled, swooshed and sprayed to the absolute breaking point.  One can of Aqua Net nobly sacrificed itself to create that hair waterfall.  What is holding it up in back you ask?  It is the early 90’s; you know it HAS to be a banana clip.  Note the lips painted a peach to match the dress.  This may not be as apparent as the 82 layers of carefully applied Wet & Wild peach eye shadow it took to achieve that smoky pumpkin look.  If only the camera had panned down and you could see that the subject’s satin shoes had also been dyed to match.  Such a committed effort at being  monochromatic.  Take a moment to look at the subject’s hands and her stab at civility.  Yes, those are short, white gloves normally only seen on butlers and Mickey Mouse.  Our subject thought they complimented her pearl accessories and gave her just that right touch of class. 

Speaking of class, where is our subject off to prior to prom?  A garter party!  What, you ask?  (Recent Facebook research indicates that these parties are indigenous toBuffalo NY and may have only taken place in the early 90’s)  Here our subject will sit on a chair surrounded by her friends and their dates and an odd assortment of parents while her date reaches up under her dress and removes the garter she had especially made for this occasion.  It is respect he shows as he fumbles under her dress, over her nylon encased knee and removes that strip of peach satin and lace.  Said garter will then be worn on the outside of his tux jacket and later hung from a rearview mirror alongside the pine tree air freshener.  Surprisingly enough, this garter ritual in no way leads to later pregnancies and births in nine months.

While at prom, our subject and her date will dance to songs like “Whoomp! There It Is!” and “Rumpshaker”.  Forgive them if they look awkward; they are too young to drink and dances like “The Shopping Cart” and “The Lawn Mower” have not been invented.  Fall in love again all over as they dance to Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You”.  Yes, it is a song about love failed but they are young and optimistic and her wailing gives them a long time to dance together.  What?!  Lights on and “Last Dance” playing already?  Too soon this magical evening has ended and our young subject must return home by midnight or turn into a grounded, surly teenager.

Circa now.

Being as lucky as she can be, here is our subject some years later getting to enjoy prom all over again!  She has aged well despite tanning with baby oil in her teens.  Why is she going to prom now?  Creepy, you may be thinking.  No, not creeper – chaperone!  Our subject is looking forward to chaperoning.  She thinks it will be fun to watch well-behaved, beautifully dressed teenagers enjoy prom for themselves.  Yes, this is her first time chaperoning!  How did you know?

Look at the wise choice our subject made for her dress!  No peach and lace this time.  This time it is a simple, black dress suitable for her role as wise adult.  No cleavage is shown and the black says "let me blend into the background."  Modesty, decorum, class.  Wait a minute!  That black might lend itself to funereal but that ruching screams "LOOK AT ME" and  "I work out!"  Oh, vanity.  And are those heels, actual heels, she is wearing?  Did she forget about the toe that forces her into comfortable/orthopedic shoes for daily wear?

She has learned some things from her last prom go around.  You will notice the absence of gloves and peach anything.  She is also not wearing a garter.  The only thing under her dress that is new is Shapewear.  What is that, you ask?  Shapewear is both magical and evil.  Magical as it takes any imperfection, let's say fat, from your midsection and deposits it elsewhere on the body, like under your collar bone or on top of one thigh.  Evil in that it is more constricting than any pair of nylons or Western jeans you have ever forced your body into.  Whew! she was heard to exclaim both getting that thing on and off.  

I am proud of our test subject.  She has learned that her thin, forty pieces of hair should be styled straight down and not pushed and prodded into skyscraper heights.  And that red lipstick?  She believes that the name on the bottom of the tube is "Hooker Red", but she wears it well so judge not.  

At prom, our subject made light chit chat and exchanged laughter and eyebrow raises with her colleagues.  She enjoyed seeing her favorites and others dressed up and playing nicely.  She could not see what was happening on the dance floor as it was a mob of bodies pressed into each other and moving rhythmically.  She was told this is grinding.  No, she did not enter the fray.  She did find it very hard to not dance over on the adult side though.  Once or twice her body may have been moving to the music despite her best attempts to stop it.  Luckily for her, she was mommed up and asked to hold various items for people.  This made her feel both loved and old and quelled the dancing in her feet.  

Where was her date, you ask?  Sidelined at home with a sick kid.  No, she is not mad, she cropped him out of the picture because he had on shorts with his suit jacket as he waited for his jeans to dry.  Pictures of that will be sold for $9.99 and supplies are limited, so order soon!

Ahhh, prom: definitely more fun as an adult even if the subject did not get to dance.  Who needs to dance at prom when you are lucky enough to  have impromptu dancing to A-ha's "Take On Me" on a Sunday morning with the love of your life? (yep, still hard to dance to.)