A Heart Full of Love

I should really be studying for the test I have on Monday or prepping for my classes that start in two weeks and yet here I am, staring at a screen and doing neither.  I have spent most of this week trapped in a fugue state of denial that summer is over and a whirlwind of last-minute things I meant to get done the past three months.  I have also spent a great deal of time procrastinating: yes! We absolutely need chocolate cake and fresh whipped cream to top it right now, and yes! That laundry room really needs to be organized before I do one more thing.  Oh and the boy’s closet and if his, why not SG’s as well.  This has been a completely bipolar week of frenzied activity and listless, lethargic TV watching. This morning I woke up way too early with a heart full of Buffalo that I feel I have to share before I can get down to all the things I really need to do.  Some may say I am procrastinating yet again, I say I am simply sharing a heart full of love for a place and people I miss.

I was surprised to feel so physically homesick because I was just in Buffalo two weeks ago.  I’m not sure if I was dreaming about it, but I woke up with an actual emptiness in my heart and words swirling in my brain.  Normally I would attribute it to the omnipresent heat of August, but it was hot in Buffalo this trip too.  No shivering in a sweatshirt while the locals wore their shorts and tanks this time.  Maybe it was because I traveled home alone and got to really spend time connecting with all of my people there without worrying if the people I brought with me were having fun too.  I did a lot of visiting. I visited more in six days than I have in six years.  Visits over coffee, pizza, beer, pastries – always some kind of food.  Visits on decks and patios because even though it was hot, you go outside when the sun shines because you know you have winter months of being cooped up indoors.  Scheduled visits and pop up visits and so much talking.  Yes, I was in my element. 

I was overwhelmed at my aunt’s house first because everyone asked to see my kids and I had to keep saying it was “just me, just me”, then because so many people were calling me “Becki” and after a while I kind of wanted to throw up in my mouth about it, and next because of the sheer volume of people.  Out of the twelve, eleven of the Lazarus siblings were there and with them an assortment of their kids and grandkids, but it no way all of us as this was an unofficial reunion, not an official one.  I was so happy to see aunts and uncles and cousins that I had not seen in a long time and to meet new fiancées and babies and see that they were happy to see me as well and I remembered this is family.  This is a big, crazy, loud, talking family.  Oh the words!  The words were tumbling, spilling, carrying over, non-stop and punctuated with laughter, with unshed tears for the sister and husband who weren’t able to make it and with unrestrained joy.  It was amazing, and slightly overwhelming, to be a part of this.

The next day, my sister took a cousin, her husband and me downtown to see what they have done with the waterfront.  Holy cow Buffalo!!  Well done!  I remember you would just go to the waterfront and there was the road and there was water and it was dirty and gross.  Now there are restaurants and bridges and concerts and SUP yoga.  Good for you yoga posers doing your poses on your paddle boards.  We saluted them as we had our first drink of the day and I was so amazed by the transformation I was seeing that I did not even complain when my mule was not served in a copper mug.  We drove around to see other destinations and as we did I was so proud of this city!  Buffalo had quite a heyday back in the Canal Era and the old, historic buildings are architectural wonders and the renovations happening alongside them are inspiring.  I just felt so proud to be part of this even though I am not part of this but I used to live here so I can still be proud, right?

My last day in Buffalo was a day with just my mom and we talked and talked and talked.  We went to breakfast and I ate chicken souvlaki at 9 in the morning because I could and it was as good as I remembered.  We spent the morning at Niagara Falls, Canadian side of course, and the Falls too, were as good as I remembered.  Actually, they were even more amazing.  They roared and misted and hissed and tumbled and their roar drowned out our words and I found that for once, and for only a short time, I didn’t even need words.

Roar, hiss, tumble.

After I posted a picture of mom and me at the Falls, one of my friends commented on how they never appreciated the Falls when they lived close to them but how amazing they find it now.  So true.  Today I am finding that those words apply to everything Buffalo and not just the natural wonders.  I never appreciated being part of such a large and loud family, but now when holidays are sometimes just the four of us, I sure miss it.  I never appreciated the food I was surrounded with until I find myself gorging on pizza, on pastries, on wings that are never as good as they are here.  Tim Horton’s was not a big thing when I lived in Buffalo, but I have to have it all the time despite it being volcanically hot and leaving me with rancid breath.  Got to have it.  I didn’t appreciate the history of the city I lived near, just deplored its decline.  I think what I didn’t take time to appreciate the most is the people.  I didn’t appreciate how nice it is to have all of that family around and invested in you and your life and expecting the same from you.  I didn’t appreciate the generations of people who lived there so that yes, you did always run into someone you knew or kind of knew in the grocery store.  I didn’t appreciate the friendships I made when I was a kid and took for granted but carried through high school and even a few until today.  I was 19 when I left, so you know I didn’t appreciate my parents. 

I guess my heart full of sad this morning is because I appreciate all of those things so very much right now.  I appreciate that beautiful city; I appreciate the friends, the acquaintances, the fact that the creek in town has a lighthouse, the pizzeria on every corner and those tasty pastry hearts.  Mostly though, I appreciate the people: the diehard Bills fans, the people who hate their neighbor but shovel them out in the winter because they know they should, the people who insist on talking to me at the grocery store or the waitress who speaks so candidly I have to ask my mother if she knows her.  I also really,   especially, appreciate my parents.  My wonderful, loving, giving, do-gooder, slightly flawed and beautiful parents.  Or maybe I am sad because it is hard to spend twenty plus years trying to get to Buffalo for vacation and the want to be there is sometimes superseded by a want to see mountains or a beach or the home of your favorite childhood author.  When the kids were little I wanted to move back to Buffalo so badly.  I know we will never move back and that is okay because I like the life we have here and I like the people I have here.  However, I guess no matter how long I am away; there will just be days when I miss all the things I never took the time to appreciate.  

I am right now appreciating my dad's bad perm