Where Music Leaves Off, Words Begin

If “eyes are the window to the soul” (Shakespeare), then I think that the music on your phone is the window to your psyche.  My music indicates that I am thirteen, depressed and currently in love with the Goo Goo Dolls.  Recently, I was driving SG to basketball practice and trying to find a good song to get her pumped up and both she and I were disgusted and slightly embarrassed as each new song came on.  10,000 Maniacs soulful but not inspiring; ditto the Cranberries.  “We’re Not Going to Take It” by Twisted Sister is not as in your face as I recall it being when I was a teen and SG was not impressed.  I tried “Showstopper” which I used to find motivating.  She thought it sounded like the music they play during that bad Mario Bros TV show.  After listening awhile, I heard it too.  We gave up and turned the radio off completely.

I guess I realized that I flipped through my songs a lot while driving, but it takes someone else in the car to really show you how lame your music selection is.  After perusing my playlists, I am even more disgusted with myself.  I have spent money, MONEY, to own songs such as “Indian Outlaw” (yes, half Cherokee and Chickasaw) and “It Takes 2” (wooooo yeah, woooo yeah, it takes 2 to make it out of sight).  I am ashamed to say it gets worse.  My version of “I Wanna Be Sedated” is not even the Ramones - someone named Hit Co offers their rendition and again, I spent money on this.   I have two Bare Naked Ladies songs and neither song is one of their good ones.  I have a ridiculous amount of Goo Goo Dolls, Third Eye Blind, Bon Jovi and Maroon 5.   I have songs my kids have added in attempts to make me cooler.  Worst of all, and I can barely bring myself to type this, I have a Miley Cyrus song.  Miley Cyrus.  I burn with the shame right now.  I should not be allowed to own technology.

Thank God I have kids for that!

While ashamed of myself, I have narrowed my poor choices down to three reasons why my iPhone houses such crap music and I share this with you in hopes you can learn from my mistakes.  First, don’t drink and iTunes.  A bottle of red wine makes every song you see look good, remind you of your youth, your college days, or your wedding.  The next morning those very songs remind you that being a teenager sucked and your tastes have changed a lot since the 1990’s.  Beastie Boys get pretty annoying after the first verse -in every one of their songs.  Second, don’t download an entire album based on one song you heard on NPR.  Ever.  I have an entire album of a group that sounds like a current day Mama and Papa’s.  How often do you think I am in the mood to listen to that?  If you answered never, you are correct!  Finally, beware the free downloads from Starbucks.  You are standing in line waiting for your nonfat latte, your phone is in the car and you are not about to look someone in the eye and engage in conversation, so you pick up one of those free download song cards in order to look busy and with it.  And then you actually leave with the card and take the time to download the song.  Don’t get me wrong, free is good, but free songs from people you don’t know and find out you don’t like can really be a mood killer.  You would be surprised how often those freebies are shuffled into your mix.  Well, those and the two Christmas songs you thought you would never get sick of.  You were wrong.

I am trying to learn from my mistakes and while I am still stuck with a bunch of crappy music, I find I don’t care because I have moved onto podcasts.  “Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me” is better than a cup of coffee for the morning commute and by the ride home, I am so tired of talking and listening to people talk that I  drive home in silence: sweet, beautiful silence.  The rest of my driving time the kids are in the car and commandeer the music.  (I know I said I'd never play DJ to the kids, I was wrong.  I also said I would use cloth diapers.  HA!)  They have good taste in music which is a little surprising considering my own admissions and the plunky-plunky-sad sack-guitar-playing-Spanish-guy Bill listens to.  It makes me happy to know that the lame music buying will end with me and not contaminate future generations of McMahon technology and eardrums.