Last summer, I did something that inadvertently changed my life. I brought home an audio book of Michael Pollan’s “The Omnivore’s Dilemma”. Bill drives two hours each way to get to his office and I thought this would be some interesting listening and act as a pleasant diversion for a few days. Instead, it made him vegan. Vegan, as in hold the eggs, no cheese for me, vegan. I have to say that when he first told me he was going to be vegan, I did not think it would last. Two months in, I changed to hoping it wouldn’t last. Now he is one year and five months in and I am afraid it is going to last.
I miss my husband cooking with eggs and cheese. The man makes a blue cheese mac and cheese that will not only stop your heart, it will take your breath away; it is that good. I swear it was just a few years ago I had to ask him to stop cooking everything with a roux; my wiggly thighs couldn’t take any more buttery beginnings. We didn’t eat a lot of meat before this, but I find now that because there is never meat in the house, it is all I want to order when we are out. I used to be very discerning about the meat I ate. Now I just eat meat.
In an effort to make the most of my time, when I bake, I bake vegan so that both the kids and Bill have something sweet. I use veggie butter in place of butter, flax seed and water in place of eggs. When I eat what I have baked, my taste buds scream “WHERE IS THE BUTTER?!?” “WHY HAVE YOU RUINED CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES?!?!” Bill insists that they taste great but the man is living on soy and grains and is therefore taste bud compromised. The kids eat it, but there is a haunted look around their eyes.
We do eat well and very healthfully. We tease each other about our meal choices. For example, if Bill is in a bad mood or says he is tired, I will tell him to eat some meat. Or because I am always tired, he will say it is because I am loaded down with animal proteins. Ha ha, we laugh and tease. Until today. Today he posted ridiculous menu items he said sounded great for Thanksgiving. It was from something called a Vegan Guide to a Turkey-less Thanksgiving. Blasphemy! You can take away my blue cheese mac and cheese, but you cannot substitute a Lentil Mushroom Loaf for my turkey Bill McMahon. You cannot.
Thanksgiving is about butter and gravy and turkey and pie. It is not Veggie Tofu Pot Pie or Tofurkey. I will not “make the vegetable the star of the show” as your recent post declares. I will stick that vegetable on the side and drown it in butter, gravy or cream of mushroom soup as the Pilgrims intended. I want whipping cream in my mashed potatoes and I want to use the leftover whipped cream from the pies in my morning coffee. I want the first scoop of mashed potatoes with the swimming pool of butter on top. I definitely do not want to use coconut milk as a substitute for anything as far as the pies go. No I do not. I want the house to smell like cooking turkey all day long and into the night. Thanksgiving is not grains and veggies and health because calories do not count on Thanksgiving. We eat until we are so full we have to lie down and we blame it on tryptophan – not the 4000 calorie dinner we just ate. We wake up from a little nap and because our stomachs have lost a bit of their distended bloat, we start on dessert. And who can eat just one piece of pie? Later at night, our stomachs empty from being stretched out all day; it is time for a turkey and stuffing sandwich. (Bread on bread? What, you say? Try it, you can thank me later.) This is Thanksgiving. I feel like Charlie Brown being handed pretzels and popcorn when you talk about anemic vegetables and soy pressed products instead.
Sigh. It is apparent that we will need to sit down and work out what is non-negotiable so that we can both have a happy holiday. My list is as follows: TURKEY, gravy, sausage stuffing, real whipped cream and genuine, from the cow, butter on everything. I don’t know what Bill will put as his non-negotiable but I bet falafel is part of it. I am not sure the chick pea really has a right to be at Thanksgiving. However, because I am thankful for my husband and thankful for the right to eat my weight in mashed potatoes, if I get my list, he can have his too.
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