The Gig is Up

Recently, the last of the believers has admitted he no longer believes and I, for one, could not be happier.  No, we are not talking Santa, although I am pretty sure he no longer believes in him either.  He is not saying and I am not pressing for his thoughts on that one.  When he confessed to no longer believing all I could think was “Ding, dong the witch is dead”. Which old witch?  The demonic Tooth Fairy witch; that’s who! I am super relieved that the subterfuge of cash for baby teeth is over. 

See? I am not the only one who thinks she is demonic.

I am not sure who came up with the Tooth Fairy, but my money is on a brother Grimm.  Small, sparkly fairy enters your room at night and leaves money in exchange for your dead teeth?  Enters your room at night.  Don’t we spend a lot of time as parents trying to convince our children that they are indeed the only ones in their room; that there are no monsters or bad guys or supernatural creatures? Oh wait, except for when you lose teeth.  Also, what does she do with them?  Is her castle made out of tiny, baby teeth as some say?  Are they taken and recycled into the mouths of babes yet to be born?  (Dry heave here).  Or, as my husband says, are they taken and ground up into bread?  (And after hearing this, could this be why the boy hates my homemade bread?  He thinks it is made of teeth past?)  The whole story is shaky and I just am not a fan.

And, can I be honest?  I hated playing the role of the Tooth Fairy.  HATED it.  Why?  Well with SG as my starting player for the Tooth Fairy games, I was destined for failure.  The girl has never really slept.  She more levitates over the bed than actually snuggles in and sleeps.  Try sneaking in and not only locating a teeny, tiny, Chiclet baby tooth under a pillow with one hand while inserting money in with the other hand while a levitating-not-ever-really-asleep child hovers over the bed.  “Hey, just checking on you” I would whisper when her eyes invariably flew open.  This plus the fact that she dropped teeth like a puppy and once one fell out, three more were likely to follow in the next two weeks.  The Tooth Fairy was exhausted from the night time games and broke.  My children always seem to lose teeth on the nights I didn’t even have a dollar in my purse and no way could I put silver under their pillow – it would jingle on the way in.  In an all-time parenting low, I will now admit to taking money out of their bank and putting it under their own pillow.  In my worst Tooth Fairy move ever, I took money out of SG’s bank, got close to her bed and just kind of dropped it next to her levitating form. I didn’t even try for the pillow.  Also, no matter what our Tooth Fairy left under pillows, other people’s tooth fairies left more cash.  I began to detest the Tooth Fairy even more as I had to defend her strong economic choices. 

I am not totally heartless; I love the beauty of mythical creatures and make-believe.  I love Santa!  I like that he breaks into your house to give you presents, but he has enough sense not come through your bedroom and leave your presents under your pillow.  I am lukewarm to the Easter Bunny, as are my children, but I go through the hippity hoppity motions with no malice.  Please, it means a basket of chocolate – I am in!  It is just that damn Tooth Fairy.  The concept is flawed, the execution of it destined to fail and it promotes the sense that if you lose something, something else will step in to takes its place.  No, if you lose something, you lose it.

I know all of you people who have the special Tooth Fairy pillow with a pocket for the tooth are tsk-tsking me.  That’s alright.  Keep up your night time games.  I am done playing robber in my own house and I couldn’t be happier.  Ding, dong, the witch is dead!