No Time to be Sad

 When I was a child in the 80's, people didn't have sadness or depression.  Or at least not in the house I grew up in.  Sad?  What's there to be sad about?  So-and-so doesn't have an arm or a leg and they are still out there doing things.  It's funny now as I write this that I just do not recall a large number of amputees in my hometown, but apparently my parents knew tons of them.  I laugh-cried when I heard my mom, two days after losing her husband of 58 years, mutter to herself in the other room "C'mon, Mary, pull it together, it's not like you lost an arm or leg."

Pull it together. Move on. Look for the good. We don't live in a society that gives people adequate time to grieve.  Three days bereavement for most of us and then we are expected to go back to work, to life, to school, to our new normal.  I zombie-walked through that first week back to work.  I felt like a had a weighted blanket wrapped around me and every movement had to be thought out or took forever.  I was also very short-tempered.  Everything is annoying when you are sad and can't just wrap up in a real weighted blanket and just be sad.

We are all familiar with the many stages of grief, but I am not sure anyone really tells us how to move through the stages while also moving through life.  It is a lot.  I am relieved to say that the weighted-blanket heaviness has dissipated.  Now, it's more like I am a black and white TV with bunny ears in a world full of HDTV and color on full-volume.  Too loud!  Too colorful!  Too energetic!  My eyes! My eyes!

Me.

My siblings and I all agree that we have had very little time to just be sad about our dad because we are worried and concerned about our mom.  What is she going to do?  What are we going to do with her?  Can she live on her own?  All this while actually dealing with our mom who is convinced she has to move out in the next week (she does not), and is working through her own grief by "organizing things."  This is code-word in our family for throwing things out that are currently annoying us and this is not something someone with Alzheimer's needs to be doing on her own.  So there is all that too.  How do we give enough time to think about this while teaching, while running a kitchen, while running meetings and financials, while still just being sad about our dad?

My therapist (because I do believe in sadness, depression, and mostly serotonin-boosting meds) says that I am just supposed to be whatever it is I am feeling. I am trying, but I am feeling a lot of things. I am feeling grateful to my person who drove around two great lakes in the middle of winter to be with me and continues to be with me. I am feeling sad and scared and stressed for my mom. I am feeling guilty that my dad's last few months were probably so exhausting and hard.  I am feeling comforted by the outpouring of support for myself and my siblings and my mom.  I am feeling angry my parents didn't make better financial choices.  I am feeling busy having started grad school amidst all this.  I am feeling that I miss my sweet kids more than ever.  Boy, am I feeling.

We just feel all the things and keep moving through life, just like a million other grieving people do, but what a crap deal.  Remember the book The Red Tent? Where all the menstruating women and women with small children were put to the side, in the red tent, to do their woman things? Society needs a sad tent.  Where you sit and just be sad and talk about sad things without worrying you are talking too much about sad things.  Where you could alternately weep and laugh with others feeling the same way.  There would be time to sit and think and just be.  I picture this tent in mostly navy and greys and perhaps a section as a rage room for when the anger peaks.  And only when you have had time to sit and be sad and just be, only then do you leave the tent and carry a smaller, more manageable grief into the world with you.

Peter Arena

 Normally, when I write here, I write to share some thoughts or feelings or something that has happened.  I write in a way that is public and shared and in a way that is enjoy this, but also, look at my words.  Today, as I write, I am writing in a way to be public, but not for credit or accolades or likes.  I am writing because before I left Buffalo, my aunt and others asked me to please post my dad's eulogy here.  And I don't know if it is crass?  Or in bad taste?  

I am still not sure, but after a harrowing week, I do know that death is inconvenient.  My dad died the day before a major snow and ice storm hit the southern part of the US.  (the northern part just got subzero temps and more snow).  This made travel a nightmare for people who wanted to come but couldn't get out.  It made travel difficult for those who did find a way to come.  It was quick and air travel a fortune, so I post for those who wanted to be there but couldn't.

I have also come to realize that death is communal. You are never alone in your grief.  From the hospital room to the funeral home to the places stopped in between; grief is never just yours.  It is shared.  It is shown, and that helps. I have lived far from home a good portion of my life and I have missed many funerals and will miss more.  It is hard to be sad alone.  Perhaps this will make someone feel not as far away.

Writing my dad's eulogy was easy.  Giving it was terrible.  I, who always speak loudly, found myself unable to speak.  I briefly glanced up and look at my mother, smiling through her tears, my son and nephews who had delivered their Papa's casket through the church, and the people in the pews there to honor my dad, and I took a deep breath, and one more, and these are the words I had to say. And if you read them, I hope they give you a sense of community, of comfort, and one more smile about my dad.

I think that when you have a parent, you only see them as your mom or dad, and not always as the entire person that they are.  Over this past week, I’ve been reminded again and again that my dad, our dad, was so much more.  He was a husband of 58 years.  A brother. An uncle. A Papa. A friend. A coworker.  A proud veteran.  Peter Arena was so many things.

Our dad was a good man.  He was also selfish.  Opinionated.  Stubborn.  And like any true Sicilian, he could hold and nurture a grudge with true craftsmanship.  You knew if you got the quiet frown, you were in trouble.  If you got the quiet frown and the intricate hand twist?  Pack your bags; he wasn’t talking for weeks.

Our dad loved a good story.  He loved to tell them, to hear them, and to tell them again.  These stories were a solid 40% truth and 60% embellishment.  He also loved telling a joke.  He loved telling them so much he would be laughing too hard to do more than wheeze out the punchline.

When I look at our dad’s life, two words that come out to me again and again are service and love.

Dad served 4 years in the US Navy as a medic.  He spoke of that time as a great adventure. He was proud to serve and of his service.

He was part of the Lancaster Police Department for over 20 years.  Being a police officer and a detective defined him.  He loved it.  He loved the weird hours, the camaraderie, helping people in need, arresting bad guys, and endless cups of coffee in a world before Tim Horton’s.

He missed being a police man from the minute he retired and put that need into serving his town.  He ran for judge.  He became a very active member of the Lancaster Lions Club. He kept on serving.

The other word that defines our dad’s life is love.  Peter Arena loved and he loved hard.  He loved his wife, his kids, and his grandkids.  And if you’re associated with any of these people, he loved you too.  He loved his family, his friends, his community, and his country.

Peter presented a tough, grizzled exterior but everyone in this room and beyond knew that underneath that front was one of the most sensitive, faithful, loving men around.  He was no saint, but by God, he loved.

Our dad loved life. He loves the parties and holidays. He loved traditions.  He lived in the moment.  So much so that when we were younger, my mother referred to him as Peter Pan.  Sometimes, this was in a loving way as in “Peter, you charmer” and sometimes in a frustrated way of “Dammit, Peter”.

I hope that we remember the service and the love our dad gave to this world.  I hope we remember the good and the bad.  I hope that we remember the frail old man and the lithe, younger Pete who could find his sister across a crowded party and clear the dance floor with their polka.  And, I really hope that our dad remembers that it is the second star to the right and straight on til morning.