Time: It's On My Side

 You know what I had plenty of this past week?  Time.  I am truly grateful to have had the entire week off for Thanksgiving.  Soccer season starts tomorrow and that is three straight months of practices and bi-weekly games, and travel and, of course, doing it all in soccer weather.  (for those who don't know, soccer weather is anything 50 and below and accompanied by any form of precipitation from rain to grapple to snow) And I love it and yet there is so little time to do anything else after teaching, coaching, and normal grown-up life things like groceries, errands, and couch naps.  So what a relief and a reprieve to have this whole week of time.

I will admit I started the week off sad.  I put the girl on the train back to her dad and it was like sending away not only my daughter, but my really good friend.  And my heart twisted and ached in my chest but I had time to just be sad.  I had time to cry my sinuses out because I would miss her and I missed her brother and stupid holidays and sharing kids and wah.  I didn't just push it down and do my busy life; I had time to acknowledge the sadness and then, I had time to move on without it. 

I had time to spend Thanksgiving day with a friend I rarely have time to see. Our families spent so much time together when the kids were little and as I walked into her lovely, welcoming home to hug her, it was like no time at all had passed.  I had time to sit and visit and recollect and catch up and I had time to think how amazing it is to not be the one in charge of dinner on Thanksgiving.  I also had time to still miss my family but be absolutely mesmerized by another family's dynamics and to be so grateful that they invited me in to take part.  Well, to be fair, they invited me for dinner, I added the appreciation of family dynamics on my own.

I had time to watch a small child of my friend and realize that while I might miss some days when my own kids were small, I do not miss bedtime when they were small.  I had time to hike and see that Texas is really trying its best to produce some fall leaves and colors and smells.  I had time to watch all of Great British Baking Show and cry because those people are just so damn beautiful to each other and 1899 and I need someone else who has watched that to let me know so we can talk about that ending.

She's really trying.

I had time to start two books I will never finish and sigh about the fact that I can't remember the last time I read a book that really captured my attention.  I had time to choose to not check my work email because, it will be there on Monday, and now is not the time.  I had time to take my dog on very long walks in the middle of the day just because. I had time to nap. I had time to realize that there is an hour of the day where the sunlight coming through my patio door shows every piece of animal hair on the floor and learn to run errands during that hour.  I had time to get coffee with a friend and phone calls with relatives. I had time with my partner to just enjoy being with one another and laugh and rest and simply be.  

I had time to think about, rue, and then celebrate my life choices.  I had time to think about what I want to do with this life, my job, my words.  I had time to realize that there is never a straight-forward answer.  And the knowledge that I have time to figure it all out.  

I hope that everyone has some time in this busy season to, well, just have time.  Time for yourself, time for your thoughts, your feelings, your sense of self and purpose.  Time for a good or bad glass of wine and a bubble bath. Time for a warm cup of coffee in your cold hands.  Time with those you want to spend time with and less time for those you have to spend time with. Time for moments that make your heart ache and time for moments of pure joy and time for all the emotions in between.  Time to appreciate where you have been, where you are now, and what you have to look forward to.  And most of all, time to take a couch nap with a soft blanket, a bad dog, something British or football droning on the TV, and the knowledge that this is truly the very best use of your time.

Votes For Women

 This one starts with a confession: I almost didn't go to vote.  Gasp! I know.  I am very ashamed of myself for being so lazy and entitled and well, apathetic. The good thing is that I did go this morning (no lines) but I understand why turnout is so bad when it seems so critical that we be out there voting.

In my defense, I just moved and I am exhausted.  If you haven't moved in awhile, don't.  Just stay where you are, or leave everything behind, especially any pets, for the new owners. I swear that the next time I move, I am seeing what will fit in my big hiking backpack and that is all I will take with me.  You know what won't fit in there?  Baskets.  I don't know how I became the owner of so many ugly and non-functional baskets, but while I was moving three years ago, I stood in my garage with a friend who said "Lose some of these baskets."  And I did, but I still had a ridiculous number of unseemly baskets to lose this time as well.  

I am physically exhausted from heaving boxes and climbing stairs.  I am emotionally exhausted trying to remember why the hell I have so many baskets as well as culling my kid's childhood memories.  I decided that the Valentine's container made from a milk jug about 13 years ago wasn't moving but I cried as I put it in the dumpster.  I am also truly just tired because cats are assholes and they didn't take the move well; hiding and yowling all night long.  It is like having a newborn and, friends, I am way too old to have a newborn.

So moving tired plus working with apathetic teens put me in this place where I knew voting was happening, where I was liking people's statuses about voting, but never made me feel like I needed to go do it myself.  (Don't worry; I also hate myself as I reread that). And maybe my Zoloft is too high and I am not feeling as passionate as I should be about the state of the nation and world, but if it wasn't this high, I probably could not do this job every day.  What a modern-day dilemma!

This morning though, as I sat watching the news and seeing the voting coverage, the guilt and shame settled in.  Not so much that I was frozen or indifferent, but enough that I started to think.  I thought about the clip from Iron-Jawed Angels that I show each year that has Hilary Swank as Alice Paul being force-fed in prison.  For wanting to vote.  Force-fed in prison for wanting to vote and here I was on my comfortable couch, sipping coffee, and trying to see if I had time before work to go because I didn't want to end up standing in a line.  (yep, hating myself again.)

As I teach and preach each year, these women sacrificed so very much. They faced so much vitriol and hate and persecution, yet they stood.  They marched.  They chanted.  They kept the fires going in front of the White House.  They sat through prison.  They endured torture.  They did this for us.  

If you are sitting on your couch, hating yourself because you also have been lost in life and haven't gone, it's okay.  Shake off the guilt and go.  Early voting til 7pm tonight and voting all day on Tuesday.  We don't have time for guilt.  Just acknowledge that life is exhausting, carve out 10 minutes somewhere, and go vote.  Vote for yourself and for your daughters, but really, you are also voting for them.