Chapter Three

 It was hot outside at 3pm.  There was no shade and the sun beat down on the back of the man lying face-down in the parking space.  Sweat stained the back of his shirt and pooled at the top of his grey shorts.  He needed just a minute, just a minute to catch his breath.  His lungs labored and his heart hammered and he thought he might die and wished he might die and wondered if he had died and was this hell.  

“C’mon Chad!” the shrill voice climbed its way into his ears and gave him a shiver down his exhausted spine.  It was hell, he thought.  Definitely hell.

“Just one more set!” she chirped.

He would stand up if only to punch her in her fat face.  He didn’t hate her as much when Mark and Lisa were here, but when they weren’t, Lainey’s stupid face and shrill voice and non-stop chatter made him want to go back to spending his afternoons smoking pot and eating Cheetos.

Chad was never really sure why Lainey was there in the first place.  She dressed up in exercise clothes but he wasn’t sure he actually ever saw her move.  She seemed to take pride in holding the jump rope and providing a non-stop stream of boring chatter as she did.  Laying on his stomach and feeling the heat bake the sweat off of his shirt, Chad closed his eyes and prepared to push his aching body up one more time.  This workout had been no joke and every muscle in his legs and upper arms twitched and protested.

“No pain, no gain.”  Lainey cheered from her spot in the shade.  

Oh my God, he would kill her.  Chad opened one eye, looked up at her, and for a minute pictured his fist punching her ample stomach and knocking the breath out of her.  He could actually feel his fist tighten and pictured it sinking into her flesh before knocking her back.  Her eyes would go wide and her mouth would form an O while the breath rushed out of her and for once, just once, she would be quiet.

Chad pushed himself off the mat, nodded to the neighbor pulling in next to him, ignored Lainey, and began his last round of burpees.  Fifteen to go and he would be done.  The key was to count backward.  Fifteen, fourteen.  He got to ten and wanted to stop.  Nine.  Eight.  It was rhythmic at this point: crouch, extend, drop, push, crouch, explode up.  Five.  He heard something but knowing it was Lainey, just focused on his choppy breath, the way the sweat streamed down his face, until three, two, and one.

Chad laid on his mat for a minute trying to remember how to breathe.  He could hear Lainey in the background and made a mental note to kill Mark and Lisa for leaving him alone with her today.  The three of them almost always worked out each afternoon but today they had looked secretive and said they had to go talk something over.  Chad hoped they weren’t breaking up. He liked Lisa the best out of all of Mark’s girlfriends.  She was funny and smart and liked fitness as much as they did.  She made a good roommate too; cleaned up after herself and never ate the last of something in the fridge.  And, if he was being honest, he loved seeing her in the morning with her hair messed up and sleepy-eyed as she reached for coffee in those short-shorts.

Ugh, if they broke up and Chad had to nurse Mark through another heartache.  The last girl who left took Mark’s heart and a lot of his money and to cope Mark kicked a soccer ball against the wall outside their apartment every single day for months.  Months.  Kick, smack, kick, smack, kick, smack.  He wasn’t sure how the neighbors never complained.  Chad was annoyed with the rhythmic slapping of the ball against the wall and he understood why it was happening.  

He pushed himself off of his sweat-soaked mat and stood up.  The sun was brutal and the sound of Lainey’s voice in his ear was also brutal and he was anxious to step away from both.

“Good job today!” Lainey said with a smile.

“Yeah, thanks,” Chad replied.  He busied himself with gathering his equipment and checking that he had picked up everything, started walking to his door.

“Um, would you want to hang out or something?” Lainey asked quickly.  She could see he was hurting to go inside and didn’t want to lose her opportunity. “Maybe get a beer?”

“Oh, no. I am not drinking this month, but thanks.”  Chad lied.  He planned to shower and sit on the couch with some beer as quickly as possible.  He moved to the door, twisted the handle open, and said “See you later” while stepping inside.  He didn’t want to give her room to suggest a show or ice cream or protein shakes.

He locked the door behind him, took a deep breath, and wondered again where Mark and Lisa had gone.  They were all religious about their 3pm workouts, walks with the dog at night, and yoga by the pool on the weekends.  Lisa had been the best thing to happen to Mark, and really, Chad.  She never told them to exercise or eat better, but watching her fueled them both to be better versions of themselves: Mark because he was afraid she would smarten up and leave and Chad because, really, he had nothing else to do.  He had lost fifteen pounds since she moved in and felt better than he had in years.  Mark sometimes teased that Chad got more action when he was fat and stoned than he did now with his trim stomach and tight muscles.  Chad would laugh and agree.  It was true.  He couldn’t remember the last time he had gone on an awkward first date or brought a girl home for the night.  Sure, sex would be nice, and he occasionally flipped through his dating app, but no one really appealed to him.

He stepped into an ice-cold shower and felt the salt, sweat, and stink of his workout sluice off of him.  He stood there and let the water beat on his head and face and wondered again where Mark and Lisa were and if he was going to be helping someone pack tonight or if they would have their usual Friday night of beer, a little weed, and a healthy dinner while watching someone’s movie of choice.  It was just so easy with the three of them, he really hoped Mark wasn’t messing it up right now.

Chad stepped out onto the rug and towel himself off in quick movements.  He could hear voices downstairs and wanted to see what had transpired.  Lisa had been such an asset in both their lives, he was going to be pissed if she was leaving.  The only thing she had been a little bit of a pain in the ass about was insisting that they get the complex to fix the human-sized hole in their living room wall.  Neither Chad nor Mark could positively say how the hole had gotten there but knew it was the result of too many drinks, too much time on their hands, and a failed sense that they too should be professional wrestlers.  They had laughed the next day as they picked up pieces of drywall from the floor and said they would fix it one day.  Lisa insisted she could smell things coming from the apartment next store. She could smell their trash and their fried food cooking.  She loudly complained every day until Mark finally put in a work order to have it fixed.  Other than being slightly unreasonable about that hole and the “smells”, Lisa had been great.  Mark had been his best friend since college, but it felt like Lisa was also his best friend. Shit.  He wouldn’t be just pissed, he would be sad if she was going.

He stepped into a pair of shorts and hurried down the stairs. Mark and Lisa were sitting on the couch laughing and drinking beer.  Chad felt himself start to relax; this didn’t seem like a breakup at all.

“Do not ever leave me alone with Lainey again,” he said as his way of hello.

Mark and Lisa both laughed and Lisa said “But did she hold the jump rope for you?”

“She talked and held that damn rope the entire time.  I wanted to punch her.”

They laughed again and Chad smiled as he took a sip of his beer.  God, it was just so easy with the three of them.

“Sorry man.  We just needed to figure some things out.  We won’t leave you again.” Mark said 

“Everything okay?” Chad asked.

“Everything is great!” Lisa said and smiled at him.  God, she even managed to smile with her eyes, he thought.  She was so pretty and fun and he really loved when she laughed how she threw her head back to let all the laughter out.  Okay.  Enough, he admonished himself.  Roommate, best friend’s girl, enough.

They settled back and sipped their beers and talked about their weeks.  They finished one beer and then two and the conversation just kept moving.  They talked about Lainey and her jump rope, the things they wanted to do this weekend, and spent a lot of time laughing and discussing the weird people at their pool.

Usually, by this time, someone would start dinner and someone else would pick a movie, but tonight the air in the living room was charged with a sense of something pending. Something big, something that would be both so very natural and so very shocking.  Chad wasn’t sure if it was just him who felt it, so he kept quiet but felt the air around him change and the beating of his heart intensified.

Finally, Lisa stood up and smiled at Mark, and said “We should go upstairs now.”

Mark quickly finished what was left of his beer, set it on the table, and said “It’s definitely time.”  He kissed her on the cheek and headed up.

Chad sighed and started thinking about what he would make to eat.  Maybe just order something instead.  He was scrolling through his phone when he heard movement and noticed Lisa’s feet standing right in front of him.  She reached for his phone and set it aside and he let her.  She pulled him up from his seat and stood so close to him, too close to him, but not close enough to him.  Her hands on his arms were warm and she was so close that he could smell her shampoo and count the freckles on his nose.  He was frozen.  He wanted to touch her, wanted to pull her to him and crush her against him.  He could barely breathe.

Lisa just smiled.  She moved her hands up and down his biceps and smiled when he flexed.  Chad didn’t know what to say or think or do.  He stood there waiting for her to tell him what this was.

Lisa traced her fingers over his chest, down his stomach, and stopped at the waistband of his shorts.  He inhaled sharply as her fingernails traced the outline of his incredibly erect penis through his shorts.  He couldn’t make sense out of any of this and he didn’t want to, he just wanted her to never stop doing that.

Lisa stepped back, smiled, and said “You should come upstairs with us too.”  She moved to the bottom of the stairs and yelled up “Coming!”, but stopped as she stepped onto the first stair.  Chad watched her turn slightly and smile at him once more.  “Coming?” she asked and stretched out her hand.

Chad found that he couldn’t speak.  He had no words, but he didn’t need them. His body took over and he stretched his own hand to meet Lisa’s and clasped together, they began climbing the stairs. 

You Know How to Do This

 She laid there, exhausted. She was currently always exhausted. She glanced at the clock, at the wineglass on top of it, and groaned. Drinking wine in a bed on the floor was the only time she found stillness these past two weeks. So much had been done, had to be done, loomed around her waiting to be done.  But that bed, on the floor, in the middle of an empty room, was the perfect place to sit, exhausted, at the end of the day and drink a very full glass of wine.

The packing was done.  Her life, the kids' lives, all in boxes that were taped and labeled and waiting to be unopened in a new place.  Twelve years of living in a house purged, donated, and boxed over the past ten days.  She was exhausted.  His life, well, what he had left behind,  lay strewn in open boxes in the dining room.  She wasn’t sure what he wanted to take, to toss.  He wasn’t there when she was packing.  When was he ever there? Friends had helped her box, fed her, listened to her, and poured her wine as they busied themselves in her kitchen, the garage, the attic.  A house was too much for one person to pack.  Especially when she was just exhausted.

She knew she needed to get up but she felt glued to the bed.  Two more minutes.  Two more and she’d move and start the coffee and start the day.  The last things crammed in their bags and the animals captive in a room so that they wouldn’t escape during the commotion of feet and voices moving and shouting.  She was too old to have friends moving her, but they offered and she was just so tired.  Yes, please, she had said.  I am just exhausted, she had said.  They had said of course she was, smiled while their eyes looked sad, asked what else did she need?

It was a lot to go to work, to stand there and try to teach a room of students.  Often, they had to ask her the same question two or three times until she heard them.  Sorry, she would say, I am just tired today.  “Late night, huh, Miss?” they’d laugh and she’d say “I wish” and laugh with them for a minute until the smile felt weird on her face and fell.

  It was a lot to hold her kids at night and tell them it was all going to be okay.  They definitely did not believe her and she wasn’t so sure she believed herself right now.  Their anger, their confusion was too much to look at and their sadness made her not want to get out of bed.

Shit, she needed to get out of bed.  She moved to sit and as she looked around this bare room remembering the first time they had spent the night in it.  No curtains, no blinds, a wall of open windows, and a night sky that seemed endless.  Their time here seemed like it would be endless as well.

She felt the tears, not in her eyes, but only when they escaped and pooled over onto her face.  She pushed herself up but then sat back down.  She didn’t want to do today crying, but she could.  She could do a lot while crying.  So much in fact she looked for her journal and a pen.  She needed to write this down, to remember all the things she could do while crying.  Maybe if she wrote things down, they would get out of her head.  She sat up straighter and began scratching out the truths that she knew all too well.

You know how to do this.  You remember the weighted sensation of your heart as it sinks to the very bottom of your chest.  You know that pressure that makes your lungs constricted and your breath is limited.  You know how to do this.

 Your head is like a vise and your eyes leak.  You wipe the moisture away from your face and realize you didn’t even know you were crying. You think you will always be crying.  Your sinuses ache and your nose runs and you don’t care.  All you know is that crying makes it better, makes it worse, makes others uncomfortable, and you don’t care.  You are so fucking sick of crying and yet you say you don’t care.

You don’t care about much.  You try to eat because your stomach tells you that you are hungry, but your stomach is a liar.  You aren’t hungry.  The smallest amount of food makes you cramp and ache and feel full.  People tell you stories and you react properly but you have no idea what they are talking about.  Maybe later you will see you did laugh at the right time or make the right sounds.  Maybe you forget it even took place.

You wish you could forget a lot that took place.  You wish the day could be like the two minutes it takes to wake up where everything has been forgotten and nothing hurts and your chest is not heavy.  But it’s not.  You wake up and remember.  Your body takes over before your mind catches up.  You stand up and gravity has never been more real.  You step heavily on feet that can barely inch across the floor.  Your shoulders are too much for your frame and you stoop, head bowed, spirit forgotten about; left in the bed for tomorrow’s two minutes.

You dress, you brush your teeth, you smile and nod.  You can do a lot while crying.  You do your job, you try to do your job, you do something.  You are here.  You are physically in this room yet taking up so little of it.  Your voice is a whisper because it is being choked by memories, by wishes, by what you thought would happen.  

You are afraid to open your mouth.  Afraid a torrent of words will come out and splash onto the floor and make puddles so wide and deep you will never get back.  Because there is no back.  There is just here and here is painful.  Here cuts.  Here hacks and tears and bleeds.  Here shreds and you lay eviscerated, emptied, and scarred.

You let your heartbeat and twist and squeeze within your chest.  You let your eyes drift off into space because if they drift into your head, you will start crying again and you are so fucking sick of crying.  But you remember this.  And if you remember this, then that means that you have survived this.  And if you have survived this before, surely you can survive it again.  You know how to do this.

She took one final look at her words, wiped her eyes, and said “You know how to do this”.  There was coffee to be made and kids to wake up and last-minute things to do.  She was exhausted, but she could do this.  She had to do this.  She knew how to do this.

Chapter Two

Chapter Two

“Daddy!”

“Daddy!”

“Daddy, look at what I can do!!!”

“DADDY!!!”

“What?” Jimi looked up from his phone and peered over the top of his sunglasses.  

“Daddy! Look!”

He looked at his daughter standing in the shallow end of the pool and sighed.  She was constantly requesting that he look at this or that and honestly, she hadn’t done anything yet that really impressed him.  She was wearing a floaty still for Christ’s sake and she was almost eight.  Jimi was sure other kids knew how to swim long before eight.  That one girl with the curly, red hair was definitely younger than Ellie and she was swimming on her own and underwater already.  Jimi looked again at his daughter wondering what the hell he should be looking at.  All he could see was her standing on one leg and bouncing.

“Wow.  Really balancing there.”  Jimi made a note to talk to his ex about this swimming bullshit.  She really needed to get swimming lessons for this kid.  He sighed thinking about having to talk to her as he knew he would be met with “Jimi, I work two jobs.” “Jimi, can’t you take her?”.  There was a time when he loved hearing her say his name but now his name in her mouth annoyed him, as well as the whining that always followed it.  “Jimi, I can’t do all this on my own.” ,  “Jimi, you promised you’d take her an extra night.”, “Jimi, blah, blah, blah.”  He couldn’t remember the last time he really listened to anything she had to say.  Probably the night she told him she was pregnant and he felt the world crash in on him.

“Daddy, come swim!” Ellie yelled while jumping up and down.

“In a little bit. I’m working right now.”  Working on my tan he thought as he closed his eyes and leaned back.  Well, and his highlights.  He had put lightener on the tips of his hair before heading out to the pool.  He heard her yell Daddy one more time but he kept his eyes closed and just sighed.  Fatherhood was exhausting.  Ellie was with him every other Saturday afternoon until Sunday morning and it was all he could do to entertain her and not count the hours until Britani picked her up again. 

It was so much easier when she was a baby, Jimi thought.  Ellie was cute when she wasn’t screaming and he had really enjoyed walking her around the park in her stroller. God, all he had to do was lift her out and hold her and the women flocked to him.  He’d scored more and with much less effort in Ellie’s baby days than in all his years of dating combined.  He had noticed that the attraction of a kid seemed to wear off around age six; Ellie seemed to be more a nuisance than a lure to women he met.  

Maybe it was time to have another baby.  Jimi tossed the idea around for a second before dismissing it.  More money to pay out a month and what if this kid took up his free Saturday? No way.  He’d get women on his own, he’d just have to work a little harder than holding up a cute baby.  No worries.  His exotic pet shop had always been a real panty-dropper and he knew that would continue.  Women loved men who owned weird shit and he not only owned it, he sold it.  His shop, “Getting Tail”, continued to do well despite his partner who liked to smoke his share of the profits.  Jimi loved watching women come in and giggle at the name and then walk up and down the aisles of exotic pets.  He would wait until they stopped at the snake cages before venturing over to see if they needed any help.  Snake innuendos were sure to happen and Jimi made a killing in that snake aisle, both in sales and in getting dates.

He peeked up and saw her bouncing still in the water and talking to some people with kids.  Great!  She’d be fine for a while.  He rolled onto his stomach and sighed.  Jimi couldn’t stop thinking about this party one of his Hinge hotties had asked him to go to tonight.  Since Britani, Jimi never dated just one woman at a time.  Too much emotion, too little freedom, and too much pretending to be interested in whatever these women did.  He liked first dates, he liked first kisses, and he lived for the first time he had sex with someone new.  The first time was the best and even though he might stick around for a week or two after, it was the first time that always thrilled him.  Even the boring ones were still thrilling.  New bodies were where it was at!  Jimi’s business partner and roommate had been with the same woman for five years and swore it was still the best sex he’d ever had.  Jimi didn’t believe him at all even though he’d heard them through the wall separating their rooms and had to admit it sounded like it might still be good.

Jimi sat up and looked at his watch, 7pm.  Ellie wouldn’t go to bed until 10 or 11, whining more and more with each passing hour.  God, he really wanted to go to this party though!  He was guaranteed new sex and he couldn’t stop thinking about it.  He’d tried to get Britani to keep Ellie tonight but she wasn’t returning any of his texts or even his phone call.  God, he hated her.

“Daddy!”

“DADDY!”

Jimi was startled out of his Britani hate-spiral by Ellie’s shrieks.

“What?” he answered

“Daddy, I’m hungry.”  Ellie whined.

Jimi looked around and saw that almost everyone else had left the pool and started to get up.  This kid was always hungry.  Hungry, tired, sick, annoying.  The last time he’d had her, Britani brought her to him feverish and small with a cold.  He was pissed and afraid that he’d catch it, so he had loaded her with Benadryl and kept her asleep most of the weekend.  

“All right, grab the floaty, and let’s go.  I’ve got some pizza leftover from last night.”

Ellie grasped for the pineapple float but it slipped out of her hands and shot over towards the deep end.  “DADDY!!!  I can’t reach it!  DADDY!!”  Ellie started sobbing in the shallow end of the pool, looking hopeless.

Oh my God, Jimi thought, she’s just like her mother: can’t do a damn thing and is always crying.  “I’ll grab it, let’s just go.”

Jimi paused to grab the float as Ellie climbed out and met up with him.  Her nose was running and her hair was a stringy mess tangled down her back.  She wiped at her nose with the back of her hand and then reached out to hold his hand.  He jerked his own hand back quickly and patted the top of her head instead. He hadn’t brought a towel and as they walked into his apartment, Ellie complained she was cold.

“You’re cold?”  he asked.  

Ellie nodded and held her arms close to her chest as she sniffed.  He was sure it was just the cold air conditioning and the fact she was dripping wet, but what if she was sick again?  Ohhh, he thought.  Yes, what if she was sick again?  What if he had to give her Benadryl and she slept the next ten hours like a drunk coming off of a bender?  What if she slept so soundly she never noticed he was gone and he could go to that party and be back before she woke up?  What if he gave her just a little bit more than Britani said he should give her and he could take his time with the Hinge hottie?

“You know, Ellie, you look like maybe you’re getting sick again.  Run and get pajamas on and I’ll get you some pizza and medicine.”

Jimi heated up a slice of pizza and poured Ellie a glass of water and a generous amount of Benadryl.  He messaged his Hinge hottie that he’d be there after all and that he had plans for her.  She instantly messaged back “Can’t wait!”  

He smiled and a minute later his phone beeped again with her asking “When will you get here? If it’s too late, I might have to get started without you.”  Jimi groaned.

“Daddy, I’m done,” Ellie said. She stood there in mismatched pajamas, holding up her empty plate, and waiting.  Her eyes already looked heavy and her shoulders seemed to droop with the effort of holding that plate.

He took the plate from Ellie, watched her lay down on the couch, and quickly typed back “I’ll be there in twenty.”