Forever in Gym Jeans

 You know, not to brag, but I have been hitting the gym all summer. One place I can really tell the results is on the scale. I am down exactly one pound from where I started.  That's okay; I know these things take time. I know because my son is almost 20 and I am still carrying ten pounds of what I refer to as "William weight".  Any day now, I will step on that scale after a work out and see my high school weight staring right back at me.  Any day now. Any. Day. Now.

Losing weight isn't the main goal. It would be nice, but I try to remember that I am doing this mostly to age well.  Got to keep that bone mass up and maybe just firm up the fluffy five pounds I packed on over the school year.   It was a real shock to me when I went to put on last year's shorts and they did not want to button.  (trouble with wearing coach pants all year is that those elastic waistbands kind of just grow with you). 

I was happy to find a small, stinky gym to join because those are my favorite. I like them even better if they look like they are going to go out of business a month after I sign a year-long contract.  This one is part of a franchise so there is hope it will stay afloat. I like it because it isn't too crowded, it's close to home, and it has the basics of what I need as far as cardio and weights.  The very, very best part about this gym? Something I didn't discover until a week or two in?  The people!!  Not like people I am meeting and we are great friends and do workouts together. Please.  The people I am watching and judging and telling you about right now!!  This was a perk I never expected.

I am sure we have all seen "gym fail videos" and it shows people using gym equipment in every sort of wrong way.  If you haven't seen these, google them.  They are hilarious!  I am no expert on all things weights so I am not judging anyone by how they use equipment. I am judging them by what they are wearing to work out in and they sounds that they make.  I am a kind and benevolent judger of humanity.

You cannot believe the number of people working out in jeans!  Jeans!  Pure, long-legged denim.  Do they not have thighs under those jeans? Is there no chafing? I have seen one guy come in, wearing his jeans, and get right on the treadmill set to the highest incline.  He then holds on for dear life for twenty minutes and walks quickly. In his jeans! When he is done, he wipes the treadmill down (good points there) and leaves.  In the same jeans.  Again, is there not chafing? Sweating? Swamp ass and legs?  Friends, you can work out in a pair of shorts that are also really pajama pants, but not jeans!  People also wear button-down shirts and I have seen them with khakis on too.  Maybe they only have so much time to run in and get a quick workout in, but you know what?  You have three minutes to change clothes too.  That stink doesn't leave just because you left the gym.

I have been known to let out an "oof" or "hunghhhh" when lifting up or setting down a heavy weight. I think that is normal and part of exertion.  You know what is not?  Guttural yelling like you are standing on a hillside of Scotland in a kilt with a sword in your hand and your town behind you and it is up to you and the people next to you to stop the English, right here, right now.  Not when you are doing lat pulldowns.  That is not okay. Also not okay is groaning louder and with more bearing down than I did while birthing children.  It is very upsetting when people think they are going to turn around and see either a newborn baby or a giant poop with the groans coming out of a man doing tricep pulldowns.  Triceps. Not even squats or deadlifts.  Yes, please, lift heavy.  Go ahead and grunt a little; it probably burns four extra calories, but yelling like William Wallace and recreating sounds from the labor and delivery wing are not necessary.

Two other people who need to be mentioned but don't fit into the jeans or grunts category are Jesus and camera guy.  There I was, doing tricep pulldowns and not grunting like an animal, and out of the corner of my eye, I see a man hanging with a wide grip from a bar.  Not pulling up, not stretching, just hanging.  That in itself would be weird but the man had longish brown hair and a beard and looked just like our white-based version of Jesus.  Jesus just stayed hanging from the bar for a long time.  The old Catholic in me wondered if I needed to say a rosary before he could get down.  Eventually, he did stop hanging, which I have to say was just very disconcerting, and it appeared he was there with an older man, maybe his dad, so God.  God spent a lot of time alternating between doing bicep curls and punching his chest and stomach like an angry gorilla.  Also.  Guess what God was wearing?  Jeans!  The other person of note happened to be there when the tricep pulldown guy was groaning and giving birth and he caught my eye and saw me laughing to myself and that man didn't laugh with me.  Or even smile! He is by far the rudest person ever.  How do you not laugh and smile with a stranger when you hear ridiculous noises?  He was filming himself lifting so I made sure to refill my water bottle three times and walk through his shot again and again.

It is easy to work out in the summer and I really do need to keep it up over the school year.  For one, I am paying every month.  Two, I need to be able to look my doctor in the eye in a few months and say "I am" when she asks if I am doing ay weight-bearing activities and not being the smart ass I was last year when I replied that "I bear my weight every day".  Three, I am a coach and should be a good example to my athletes.  Four, I might lose one more pound by Halloween or something. And a really strong reason is that I love coming home with another "weird gym person" story!  I can only hope that I am someone else's weird gym person story. Like woman with the angriest face, or why would someone do just one deadlift, or "thinks she is so great with kettlebells." I really hope it is the last one but we all know it is probably know it is "woman who never wears jeans to the gym." 

No jeans, just judgement.